Dear Roxy

I received a nasty comment on my blog last week.  It was a difficult week for our family to begin with and then I received this.  At first I chose to make my blog private, but I have decided to address my new friend openly here.  She may or may not see this, but I hope it is a learning experience for anyone else who chooses to read it.

Dear Roxy,
I have been debating in my mind whether or not to respond to your very unkind remarks made on my blog this week.  After praying through my emotions over it this week, I have decided to respond.

First of all, you it seems that you have some strong feelings toward adoption and foster care.  I do not know where those came from, but I am sorry if you have been hurt by either one of these in your past.

Let me begin addressing your concerns.  First off, you reprimand me for calling the mother of this child the "birth mom".  In adoption circles, this is very common.  In fact, the agencies refer to them this way, as well as the majority of the birth moms themselves, so this does not appear to be offensive.  I am a birth mom to my biological children.  It is just a fact of birthing children that you earn this title.

Secondly, you address the fundraising issue.  I know this can be controversial but in our circle, it is very common.  I am not sure what faith you are from, but in our Christian circle of friends, we take the biblical mandate to care for widows and orphans very seriously.  "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world...James 1:27  No, not all are called to adopt, but we feel that as Christians, we are all called to care for the orphans in any way we can.  If we do not feel called to bring them into our home, then we ARE called to either relieve the financial burden for those who do, or help them in any other tangible way we can.  This is just the reality of where we live.  We have come alongside friends in the past to help them fundraise and I have to say if you have not done it, it is a very powerful thing.  You somehow feel like they are a part of your family as well and it is such a great thing when they come home to their forever family.

Without you knowing our circumstances, you really should not judge us on this.  Yes, having biological children is not cheap, but it is not necessary to come up with $20,000 or more up front to have them.  That is great that you felt led to save up that much so you could stay home for six months with your baby.  What a gift you gave your child.  But, not everyone must do that to have a biological child.  We CAN afford to care for more children, we just do not have this chunk of change lying around in our bank account right now and we are grateful that we have people in our lives who are willing to help us in this endeavor.  Again, I am sorry that this offended you, but again, it is such a norm in our lives that we do not think it is odd.  I wish that adoption was not as expensive as it is.  I wish that it was not cheaper to have an abortion than it is to adopt a baby.  But the reality is that it is expensive.  And I am grateful that the government sees fit to give the what you called (cushy tax credit...which, by the way you only get if you are under a certain income so if you happen to be "rich" you must front all the money yourself)

As far as my (what you seemed to think, flippant) comments about the foster care system...have you done foster care?? Have you had the government involved in your daily life? If not, then I plead with you to not judge on that either.  If you have and had a great experience with it, then good for you but in our case it was one of the most difficult things we have ever done.  We loved and cared for those children like they were our very own and we were treated very poorly by the very people who were there to protect us and the children.  It is unfortunate, but we are grateful that we had the opportunity to do it.

And lastly, your prayer that this mother chooses to parent or chooses another family to parent this child, shame on you.  Again, you do not know us.  How can you know that we are not the best family for this baby?

I pray for your heart, Roxy.  I pray that your eyes are somehow opened to the complexities that come with adoption and I pray that your judgements are kept to yourself next time you are tempted to hurt someone.

Your friend,
Kim