Matched...again and other ramblings about life

Ok so I am going to make a couple of people in my life really happy right about  now.  You know who you are and you can stop pestering me about updating my blog now.  :)


I have really been paralyzed in the last few months about writing about what all has happened in our lives in relation to adoption.  I have been processing it in my head in my heart and I think grown immensely through it all, but just have not been able to put it down on paper...until now.  


Until the clouds seem to have lifted a bit and we can see the sun in the distance.  I know we are not done yet.  There are many days left and anything can happen.  But we feel a sense of peace and that is all that matters right now.


We feel peace that the first adoption failed.  Absolute, undeniable peace.  Like not a second thought of "what if?" or "why not?"  Sure we had some of those moments along this bumpy last few months of waiting.  Of the seemingly endless "sorry but she picked another family." days.  Seriously there were some dark days for me.  Days where I was like, "why on earth are we doing this????"  But we kept going.  We knew that the Lord was whispering.."wait for him.  He will find you."  We knew that the Lord had a baby out there for us.  The waiting was just so hard.


We feel at peace about the situation that was thrown onto our laps here in town.  No regrets about an entire day on the phone trying to find lawyers to do a last minute adoption.  No regrets about spending our 19th anniversary at a bar, across from a birth mom who poured her heart out to us.  There were also no regrets about saying no to that situation, without really fully understanding why we were saying no, except that we felt the Lord telling us to do so.  We obeyed.  And then I said it. I said "I don't even care if it takes us six more months until we get matched.  This is not our baby."  And then............


The very next day I get this email from Mother Goose adoptions here in town.  It was a little cryptic and I had even forgotten that we had been asked to be presented to this birth mom.  She had presented us and the birth mom had a few questions for us.  REALLY? US??  And then, it was she wants to have a conference call with you this weekend.  So we had the call with her.  Some of my dearest friends were in the next room praying as we were away for a girls weekend at the time.  


And then, we waited. THREE DAYS we waited.  Then, we got the call that she chose us!! REALLY?  US?  I could not believe it. In fact, I would not let myself even get excited like I did the first time.  Both Bruce and I took a few days to digest it.  It in fact has taken him longer to get excited.  The thing about adoption is that you try so darned hard to protect your heart.  But the reality is you can't.  Your heart is so in from the get go.  Even before you are chosen you are dreaming about this baby and this birth mom.  It is the weirdest thing.  


My dear friend Cate always tells me "there is pain in adoption".  And boy is she right.  There is pain!! But, there is also joy.  


There is the joy of meeting this birth mom on the phone for the first time.  There is joy in the emails we now share daily.  She is sharing her life with me and I am doing the same.  It is sweet.  I love getting to know her so that someday I can tell this boy about his birth mom.  I can tell him how she selflessly gave of herself so he could have life.  There will be joy in March when we greet her in person as she arrives in Arizona to deliver the baby.  There will be joy when (we hope) she decides to allow us to parent this sweet boy.  We covet your prayers as we walk the next two months through this. 


Yes, this has been a rocky road.  But I have to say that I would not trade it for anything.